


Kiddo

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Series: Our Bright, Disturbing Multiverse [5]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Young Avengers
Genre: Adorkable, Coffee Shops, Cross-Generational Friendship, Education, Feels, Gen, M/M, Magical instruction, Male Friendship, Relationship Advice, it's stupidly cute, seriously this was fun to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 15:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/541117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years after the end of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/532949/chapters/945699">The God Invasion</a>, Billy Kaplan of the Young Avengers finds himself in the awkward position of having to seek relationship advice from an internationally wanted super-criminal. And then, of course, finds himself in an even more awkward position when Loki decides that he requires magical instruction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiddo

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so, here's the latest installment in the [Disturbing Multiverse](http://archiveofourown.org/series/27022) series, and here are your preparatory notes:
> 
> It's been ten years since the events of [The God Invasion](http://archiveofourown.org/works/532949/chapters/945699). The Avengers are currently a much smaller team, working more under the radar. Bobby, Loki's lover from another dimension, has been continuously active as Discord, head of the Church of Loki. The Young Avengers have stepped up to fill what they see is a gap in superpowered law enforcement.
> 
> There are some swerves from the continuity of the Young Avengers comic, and I know not everyone might have read it, so I'd suggest that you check out [their Wikipedia page](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Young_Avengers) if you're unfamiliar with the comic (and then you should buy it because it's wonderful). At the very least you might want to read about [Billy.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Kaplan)
> 
> Share and enjoy!

Every car on the street had slashed tires, the broken fire hydrant on the corner was gushing something that looked like soda instead of water, and Billy was out of his mind terrified.

“They don't take us seriously,” Eli had said. “We need to do something that'll make them sit up and take notice. We can _prove_ that we're ready to be Avengers. We just need the right target.”

Which was why they were all out here in Brooklyn, facing down an internationally wanted super-criminal.

“They don't take _him_ seriously, either, but I've looked at the reports and he's definitely a threat. If we take him out they'll _have_ to train us.”

Well, not so much facing _down_ —Discord hadn't actually noticed them yet. The tuxedoed criminal was floating lazily upside-down, held in the air by his magic boots as he turned the crabapples on a tree into tiny grenades (hopefully not live). As he floated along he sang quietly, in a language that sounded vaguely Scandinavian to Billy's untrained ear. Billy supposed that would make sense; the head of the Church of Loki, or really _any_ neo-Norse religion, would probably know something like that.

To Billy's right, Teddy bulked up, hands clenching into fists. Kate was behind them, on top of a car with bow in hand, and Cassie was behind _her,_ larger than usual but not really giant yet. To his left, Eli cracked his neck, scowled, and then took a deep breath and shouted, “Discord! Come quietly and we won't have to hurt you!”

Startled, Discord turned a triple somersault in the air and came to a stop facing them. His mask was a morass of shifting colors; it was hard to focus on him properly. “I was _wondering_ when someone would—hey. Holy shit.” He leaned forward to peer at them. “Are you the _new_ kids? The _Young_ Avengers? You're so _cute!_ What are you doing here?”

Eli snorted. “What does it _look_ like we're doing here? You're causing trouble, we're here to stop you.”

“Wow, really? I mean, I know they don't send out the big guns for me, but I didn't think I was _that_ low on the priorities list. Unless...you're Patriot, right? Does Cap even know you're _out_ here? Do your _folks_ know you're out here?” He didn't _sound_ Scandinavian, Billy noticed; he sounded like he was from upstate, Westchester or somewhere, with a little bit of British mixed in.

“We don't take orders from Captain America.” Eli took a step forward, clearly getting ready to fight. “So are we doing this the easy way or the hard way, Discord? Your choice.”

Discord considered them for another moment and then shrugged. “Well, if I did things the easy way I wouldn't be me.” He raised a hand and beckoned, and a spark shot from his fingers to become a small army of what looked like angry garden gnomes. “Come on, then. Come at me.”

The fight was both more chaotic than Billy had expected and less terrifying. The garden gnome things were easy to take out—there were just a _lot_ of them, and they fought dirty. Discord fought dirty too, of course, zipping around the street in his magic shoes and doing things that weren't exactly _aggressive,_ but which _were_ wildly unpleasant. He dropped a cockroach down the back of Kate's shirt, for one, and tripped Cassie while she was in the middle of stomping some gnomes, which sent her stumbling directly into Teddy, which knocked _him_ into Billy and disrupted Billy's attempt to isolate some gnomes in a globe of power. As a result the globe spell only half-worked—he got their arms, which meant that they couldn't hit anything, but they could still run around.

Discord paused when he saw it and nodded approvingly. “That's a neat trick, kiddo. It's Wiccan, right? You ever consider villainy?”

“Cut it out, Discord! Eyes on me!” Eli leaped, throwing a flying kick at the side of Discord's head.

“Ok, seriously, it's _Professor_ Discord to you. You don't get to drop the title until you're at least old enough to drink.” Discord dodged and turned another somersault over a car.

“Right, like I'm supposed to believe you earned that. Like any college in the world would let you near their students.”

Eli leaped over the car, and Discord dodged again, ducking behind Cassie where she was still struggling to get up—she'd gotten tangled in the branches of a tree. “I'll have you know I have a Ph.D.! I'm one of the leading minds in my field. Ask Cap if you don't believe me.”

 _That_ was a little too much to take. Billy shook his head, stepping back, as Teddy took out a few more gnomes. “Ok, wait, you're a _teacher?_ ”

“Oh yeah. Comparative theology and philosophy, mostly, with some side classes in contemporary magical practice.”

“I thought you were the high priest of Loki.”

“I'm that too. They're not mutually exclusive jobs. My religious duties aren't super demanding. Or, well, not in any way that I can talk about in public.”

“Ok, I think I need a second.” Billy sat down heavily on the curb, trying to deal with the feeling of his mind being blown. “Can we, like, have a time out? If my parents found out I was beating up on a _teacher_ they'd _kill_ me. The only reason I got a pass that time with Doom was because he's not a medical doctor.”

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Discord landed on top of one of the less-destroyed cars near them and smiled cheerfully. “We can just talk, if you like.”

“Man, about _what,_ though?”

“Well, if you like we can talk about religion. Loki's always looking for converts, and you do have the kind of skills he appreciates.”

“Ok, _new plan._ ” Eli's scowl was so dark that light practically got lost in it. He gestured to Cassie, finally back on her feet, and she picked up him and lifted him so that he could get a headlock on Discord. “I say we take this guy out, Wiccan, and _then_ you get to freak out.”

There was a whooshing sound behind them, and then they heard a familiar, paternal voice say, “Ok, kids, what's going on here?”

“Captain America! Iron Man!” Teddy lit up, crushing the last gnome almost absently—it exploded in a puff of smoke. “We were, uh, we were—”

“Tracking down and attacking dangerous supervillains. Yeah, we noticed.” Iron Man set Captain America down on the ground next to Teddy and then flew over to extract Discord from Eli's headlock and handcuff him. “How ya doing, Captain Cabana?”

Discord groaned. “You are _never_ going to let that drop, are you?”

“Not as long as it's funny. I still have those pictures.” Iron Man hauled Discord down from the top of the car, Eli dropping down beside him. “We got a call in from a 911 operator.”

“Discord's a dangerous man.” Captain America was shaking his head. “What possessed you to just go after him like this?”

“If he's so dangerous why weren't you here already?” Eli had sort of _puffed up,_ like he did whenever Captain America was around—it reminded Billy of an angry rooster he'd seen once on a school trip to a farm. “We're doing your jobs for you.”

“ _We_ know how to gauge how dangerous he is on any given day. Ain't that right, Cabana?” Iron Man gave his captive a little shake.

Discord made a face. “ _Will_ you cut that out? There are kids here.”

Captain America sighed as the Quinjet roared into view above them and dropped several ladders. “Look, kids, just get in the jet. We'll talk about this at the Mansion.”

Billy got to watch Teddy geek out adorably over the Quinjet for the five minutes it took for Black Widow to fly them to the Mansion and touch down on the roof. Iron Man split off before they got to the door, presumably to go remove his armor. Going inside was weird, walking through dusty halls that Billy had heard once bustled with activity until they reached a living room that did look occupied. There were bookshelves lining the walls, a number of couches and armchairs, and a big flatscreen TV mounted at one end of the room, which Cassie whistled at. “I haven't been in here in _years._ Is that a new TV?”

Black Widow hauled Discord into one corner for what looked like some kind of impromptu interrogation, and Captain America gestured for the rest of them to sit. Before he could say anything, Eli, who hadn't sat down, said, “We had him. You _saw._ ”

“Yes, I did see that. You were doing very well. For amateurs.” Captain America sighed and sat in an armchair facing them. “You also caused a lot of collateral damage and could have endangered anyone on that street—which, I'll remind you, is in a residential area. So we're going to have a quick lesson.” At their excited sounds he shook his head. “ _Not_ a training session. A lesson. So that Tony and I don't have to come extract you the next time you get yourselves into trouble.”

Tony—Iron Man. Right. Something he'd said had been bothering Billy. “Why does Iron Man keep making those weird jokes? The cabana ones?”

Captain America let out another long-suffering sigh; it seemed like it was just a sighing day for him. “He's just being tasteless.”

“Hey, when he _stops_ being Loki's cabana boy I'll stop calling him that.” Iron Man walked in, having changed into a t-shirt and jeans, and dropped onto the arm of Captain America's chair. “Until then you have to let me have _some_ fun.”

Kate frowned, her brow wrinkling. “Ok, I feel like I'm missing something here. I thought Discord was a _priest._ Are you saying...ok, what are you saying? And is it as gossip-magaziney as I think?”

Captain America cleared his throat, looking embarrassed. “It's not common knowledge, but yes, he is also Loki's...”

Iron Man grinned. “Boyfriend? Man candy? Daiquiri-making hot-pants-wearing cabana boy with photographic evidence to prove it? Yes, _I'm_ saying _all_ of those things. _Ow,_ don't elbow me, Cap, I'm trying to balance here.”

As one Billy and his friends turned to stare at the corner of the room where Discord and Black Widow sat. Billy could feel his ears going bright red. Discord waved to them cheerfully. “I practice a very high-contact form of worship.”

 _“Ahem.”_ Captain America cleared his throat again, more loudly, and they all turned back to him, startled. “What I was _saying_ is that we need to have a very serious talk about picking your battles.”

\--

When he got home that evening and changed out of his costume, Billy was surprised to see a small white square come fluttering out of his scarf to land on the floor. He picked it up to look at in the light and blinked, surprised. It was a business card.

The Astoundingly Irrev. R. Simon Clark  
 _Lokkaruni_ , Church of Loki  
Lecturer in Comparative Theology, Oxford University

 

Below the name inscription was contact information—an address and phone number for an office at Oxford, a cell phone number, and an email address.

Frowning, he turned the card over. Handwritten in green ink on the back was a note.

_Very impressive magic today, kiddo. Call me if you ever want to talk.—Discord_

That was really weird, especially since Billy couldn't remember any times during the day when Discord had gotten close enough to him to leave the card. Still, it couldn't hurt to save it.

\--

The business card sat untouched next to his laptop for two months, gathering dust and getting buried under notebooks and graded papers, until there came a day when Billy got home freaking out and realized that he _really_ needed someone to talk to and he didn't know who. His parents were of course out of the question; they'd try to understand, but mainly they'd just want to give him some kind of _Talk,_ and there were aspects of the situation he couldn't _explain_ to them. He couldn't explain _any_ of it to his teachers or guidance counselor, so they were right out. He couldn't talk to Captain America or Iron Man or any of the other remaining Avengers, because it was a _sex_ thing and talking to Captain America about sex was just a terrifying prospect. There weren't really any other heroes who'd know what he was talking about, and he scrabbled through the papers on his desk for _something_ that would help him calm down and the business card slipped out and fell to the floor.

He picked it up and stared down at the job titles on it. _There_ was an idea. _He_ might know. Not the best plan, probably, but the only one that seemed workable.

He dug out his phone and tapped in the cell number on the card with shaking fingers.

Two rings, and a click, and a light tenor on the other end of the line said, “Hello?”

“Um...” he took a deep breath. “Discord?”

There was a pause, and then, cautiously, “Speaking. Provisionally. Who is this?”

“Um, it's, um, Wiccan. From the...the Young Avengers. We met a couple of months ago. You gave me your card. Somehow.”

“Oh!” The voice on the other end of the line brightened. “Well, then. How're you doing, kiddo? What's the occasion? Considering changing sides?”

“No! No, um, I'm not calling about...hero stuff.”

Another pause, shorter than the first. “Really. What's up, then?”

“Well, you're a priest, right? And, um, and a teacher?”

“All true.”

“I need some advice. On some...personal stuff.”

“Always happy to help, kiddo, but why me? I mean, I know talking to the folks can be tough, you don't always want to do that, but most people don't go to supervillains for personal advice.”

Billy blushed, even though he knew the man on the other end of the line couldn't see him. “Normally I wouldn't, it's just that...um.”

“Um?”

“...it's a relationship thing. A guys thing. They wouldn't...get it.”

 _“Oh.”_ On the other end of the line Discord coughed, sounding a little startled. “ _That_ kind of advice.”

“I mean, I'd understand if you can't, I mean, if you don't want to talk—”

“No, no, kiddo, it's perfectly fine. I'm a priest, I'm here to help.”

“ _Oh_ good.”

“But I doubt you want to do this over the phone. International calls rack up crazy bills. Is there a good coffee place near you?”

“There's, um, there's Fat Daddy's two streets down from me, I do my homework there sometimes. I'm on the Upper West Side.” A problem occurred to Billy, and he bit his lip. “You promise not to be a supervillain for this, right? Like, you won't blow anything up or start a fire or anything? Just talking?”

“I promise, kiddo. Just talking, no capes. Head to Fat Daddy's, I'll meet you there.”

“Um, ok.”

“See you there, kiddo.”

The call clicked off, and Billy lowered his phone, biting his lip even harder. This was probably a really bad plan. But it was definitely happening, so he pulled together his things as if he _was_ going to go do homework and headed down to Fat Daddy's.

As he approached the coffee shop, he realized that there was a major flaw in his plan. If they weren't doing costumes, how would he recognize Discord when he saw him?

“Heya, kiddo.”

He spun around.

“Wow, you look different without your costume. That scarf thing you normally wear adds a lot of shoulder.”

Billy stared. “Discord...?”

“I think under the circumstances you can just call me Simon.” Out of costume, Discord—Simon—was almost disappointingly ordinary. He was maybe five feet ten, mid-thirties, handsome but not model-perfect, and he was wearing dark jeans and a t-shirt with a Dali painting on it. His hair was still multicolored and constantly shifting, but it was pulled back into a short ponytail, exposing slightly _pointed_ ears with a lot of silver earrings. His arms were covered from elbow to shoulder with tattoos, some sort of Celtic knotwork. The tattoos were _moving._

“Um...uh...” Actually faced with an out-of-costume supervillain, Billy was dumbstruck.

Simon smiled and reached out to tap his chin gently. “You're catching flies, kiddo. I'm not going to bite. What should I be calling you? Because I can't really call you Wiccan here, and I think you'll get tired of just being 'kiddo' all the time.”

“...Billy. I'm Billy.”

“Nice to meet you, Billy.” They shook hands, and then Simon turned to peer through the door of the coffee shop. “You like cocoa? We'll get something to drink. Ooh, are those fresh croissants?”

Relieved to have something normal to talk about, Billy nodded. “They make sandwiches with them. They're killer.”

Simon bought himself a sandwich and a coffee and got a cocoa for Billy and they settled into one of the tiny booths in the back of the shop. For a minute or two they just sat in silence, waiting for their drinks to cool, and then Simon said, “So. Kiddo. Before we talk about what's actually bothering you, I want to ask you again. Why me? It's not like there aren't heroes who swing our way. Why not talk to one of them?”

Billy blushed. “Well, I can't talk to Northstar because we've only met once, and he and Kyle are still on their honeymoon. And Rictor and Shatterstar, I mean, Shatterstar's got that whole Gladiator World thing, which is _hot_ , but...they kinda scare me.”

That got a snort. “And I _don't?_ ”

“No, I'm...I'm actually terrified right now.” He stared down into his cocoa, feeling his face getting redder and redder. “But you're also, um, you're the only other guy I know about who's dating a shapeshifter. Loki's a shapeshifter, right? And that's sort of...pertinent.”

“Ah. There is that.” It was almost a relief to see Simon turning a bit pink himself. “So you're dating that blonde kid? Hulkling? I'd suspected, you know, seeing you guys on the news, but I didn't want to make any assumptions. So how long have you been dating?”

“Maybe...five months now?”

“And you like him a lot.”

“Yeah. Like, a _lot._ ”

“So what happened? Did he do something that upset you?”

Billy stared into his cocoa as if he was trying to scry in it. “Um, we were...well, we were...and then he, he...”

“You were making out and he shifted.”

“Yeah. That.”

Simon nodded slowly, taking a contemplative bite of his sandwich. “Well, I don't know where his powers come from or their extent, so I can't say anything right off the bat, and I'm not going to ask for any details you're uncomfortable with giving me. So was it that he turned _into_ something that freaked you out, or what he did _when_ he shifted? Or are you more worried about the way you reacted _to_ him shifting?”

“Sort of all three.” He flicked his eyes up briefly and saw Simon's eyebrows shoot up. “Well, it's that...he grew an extra pair of arms. And I didn't _notice_ for a minute, because I was...distracted. And then when I realized he had four hands I kind of freaked out. He said he was sorry, but I think...I think I really hurt his feelings. But, I mean, you can't just _spring_ that on a guy. Is that crazy? Am I being unreasonable?” He paused. “Does Loki ever do that?”

“What, grow extra arms or spring things on me unexpectedly? Because the answers to those questions, in order, are no and _constantly._ ”

“Do you get mad at him when he does it?”

“Sometimes. Not too much now, I'm used to it. Anyway, there are power differentials in my relationship that give gender studies scholars nightmares, and that's _not_ something I'm recommending to you. Did you say anything that—no, of course you said something you regret or else we wouldn't be here right now. Is it something that you think you'll be able to apologize for?”

“Um...I think so. I think we just need to...talk about keeping stuff under control. Especially since a few weeks ago I, um, made it snow. Blue snow. So that's something we're both working on.”

“Talk to him, then. Call him up tonight, apologize, and have a serious talk about boundaries.”

“Just...just like that? Just call him?”

“If you don't it'll just fester and get really awkward. See if you can make a date to test your power limits and find out what's likely to happen when.” Simon drained his mug of coffee, frowned for a moment, and then dug something out of his pocket and shoved it across the table. “Here. For if your training session gets a little overexiciting.”

Billy stared down at the little foil-wrapped packet on the table, turned bright red, and snatched it up to shove in his jacket pocket. “We don't, I mean, we're waiting.”

“Oh! Well, good for you. Wait until you're ready. But when you are ready, be safe, ok, kiddo?”

In lieu of saying anything Billy took a long sip of cocoa and wished quietly that he could disappear.

“Kiddo? You're...fading.”

Billy blinked, startled, and the spell he'd inadvertently started snapped. A blue spark landed at the bottom of his mug. “Crap. Sorry. I...sometimes I do magic when I'm stressed. Actually it happens a lot, but mostly I keep it under control.”

That got another contemplative look from Simon as he swallowed the last of his sandwich. “Finish your cocoa, kiddo. Go home and call your boyfriend. Talk to him.”

“But...what if he's really pissed at me? What'll I do then?”

“Apologize. Ask what you can do to make it up to him. If he cares about you and you care about him then you'll be able to work something out.” At Billy's skeptical look Simon shook his head. “Look, let's make a deal. You go home and call him. Meet me here next week, same time, and if you guys have managed to work things out I'll...I don't know, I'll buy you a sandwich.”

“...but what if we can't work things out? What then?”

“We'll talk about that then. For now, I'm entirely confident that you'll be fine.” Simon grinned whitely. “Trust me, Billy. Deal?”

Billy paused, gripping his empty mug, and then said, “Deal.”

\--

Billy went home and made his phone call, and he and Teddy had a long and horrendously awkward talk which took three hours and ended with apologies on both sides and the agreement that no, they weren't fighting. It was such an enormous relief that it almost prevented Billy from getting any homework done that night, but as he had several assignments due he buckled down and got them done. The next day he and Teddy spent their entire lunch period on a bench out in front of the school, and everything was pretty much ok. So a week went by and he met up with Discord at the coffee shop again and got a free sandwich and they talked about how he was doing in school.

The day after that he got out of his last period class and was going to head to the bus stop when he realized that there were more girls huddled around the curb than usual. They were giggling. That was normally a bad sign.

“Billy!”

He turned and stared. Captain America—not in uniform, true, but it was still _Steve Rogers_ himself—was standing on the sidewalk next to a parked motorcycle. He waved nervously. “Um. Hi? Sir?”

Captain America beamed at him. “There's something I wanted to talk to you about. Would you like to go get some ice cream?”

“Uh...sure?” Billy nodded and caught the motorcycle helmet that was tossed to him.

“Hop on the back, son, it won't take a moment to get there.”

At the nearest Dairy Queen, Captain America bought him a milkshake and brought him over to a table that someone was already sitting at—a mild-faced man in a dark suit, who Billy recognized vaguely, though he wasn't sure from what. The man in the suit nodded politely to him and smiled briefly at Captain America, who said, “Phil, this is Billy Kaplan. Billy, this is my friend Phil Coulson. He's a senior agent at SHIELD.”

Oh, shit, it was _Agent Coulson._ Billy sat heavily and shook hands with him, trying not to spill his milkshake. “Nice to meet you, Agent Coulson.”

“It's nice to meet you too, Billy. I've heard a lot about you.”

“Oh.” He'd been planning on taking a sip of his milkshake, but now he was a little too worried. “Am I in trouble?”

“Of course not.” Agent Coulson reached down into the briefcase on the floor next to him and pulled out a manila folder. “We just wanted to talk to you.”

“Billy, SHIELD alerted me yesterday to something that has me very concerned.” Captain America sat down next to him with a glass of juice. “Apparently several routine surveillance teams spotted you in a coffee shop yesterday with Discord. Is there something you should be telling us?”

“I, uh...” Billy stared at a point on the wall behind Agent Coulson's head. “I needed some advice?”

“And you needed to meet an internationally wanted criminal to get it? You know, Billy, I know growing up can be hard and you can't always talk to your parents, but I'm always around if you need a friend to turn to.”

“...not for this.”

“I—”

“ _Really_ not for this. He's, um. It was a very specific kind of problem.”

Captain America blinked and then turned slightly pink, his mouth snapping shut. Across the table Agent Coulson nodded. “Yes, I can see that there are some questions that only he would be able to help you with. Honestly, we'd rather you sought less criminal sources of guidance, but as it is we don't necessarily know any for someone in your situation. Under the circumstances we wanted to show you this.” He slid the manila folder over to Billy.

Finally Billy managed to get a sip of his milkshake as he flipped open the folder. It was a casefile, with mug shots of Discord/Simon in and out of costume.

_Robert Simon Clark, alias Discord_  
 _Super-powered criminal, SHIELD Variable Threat Level 2-4_  
 _Origins: CLASSIFIED_  
 _Known Associates: Loki (personal and professional connections). For further details, see casefile on “Loki of Asgard.”_  


Below the header was a short description and biography, and below the biography was the actual case file. With casualty listings.

The numbers were higher than Billy had honestly been expecting. Not in the thousands, like he might see if he was looking at the file for Doom or someone, but Discord's activities over time had resulted in the deaths of at least two hundred people. Granted, this was over a period of ten years, but still...

“As I said, we understand that Discord is in a unique position to answer some questions for you, and he seems to have taken an interest in your well-being. But you need to remember that he's _not_ a safe person to be around, nor should you consider him your friend. He's a criminal, and a very dangerous man.”

“Don't take any bets with him or make any deals.” Captain America was looking serious now, not blushing in the slightest. “Don't accept any favors for him, or agree to do _him_ any. Obviously, don't tell him anything classified, no matter how trivial you think it is. And don't, under any circumstances, let him start talking about religion.”

Billy blinked and swallowed his mouthful of milkshake. “I get the others, but why the last one?”

“He's very convincing when he's allowed to start talking about the Church of Loki.”

“I think I'm secure enough in my own faith to—”

“He almost converted Wonderman.”

“Yeah, but Wonderman was almost a Scientologist once—”

“ _And_ Janet Van Dyne. By the time we got to them he'd almost talked her into donating half of her family fortune to Church of Loki activities.”

“Ok, that's bad, but—”

“He actually _did_ convert Johnny Storm. We got him back, but that was a bad week.” Billy was about to protest again, but then he considered a version of the Human Torch who worshiped a chaos god and shuddered. Captain America nodded seriously. “You understand what I'm saying. I want you to get the answers you need, Billy, but I don't want to see those answers leading you down the wrong path.”

Silently Billy nodded.

“Good. So we understand each other. Are you planning on meeting with him again?”

A slurp of the milkshake. “We were, um, going to meet up again next week. I'm doing a paper about medieval Iceland for my World Civilizations class and he said he'd read it over for me.”

“Well, just remember what I said. No bets, no deals, no favors, no classified information, and _no_ religion. And if he does anything that worries you or makes you uncomfortable you can always call me.”

\--

Three weeks of awkward meet-ups turned into four months of regular coffee dates—four unnervingly quiet months, in which Discord's criminal activities seemed to take a sharp downswing. Instead, he read over Billy's papers for school, chatted with him about how his classes were going, and gave him a lot of fairly good-natured if occasionally very embarassing relationship advice. Teddy was a little unnerved at first, and consistently refused Billy's invitations to come along, but for the most part he took it in stride. They did, however, quietly agree that the rest of the team, and particularly Patriot, didn't need to know yet.

Then, of course, Billy's magic started going _completely_ haywire. He couldn't prove that it had anything to do with Discord, though the thought of course occurred to him. Mostly it seemed like some kind of _emotional_ problem. Whenever he got upset or angry the strangest things happened, and even the spells he meant to cast had bizarre side effects—he'd hit a robot with lightning and it would also shrink, or he'd make illusion doubles of himself and they'd have different costumes. His sparkles were red, too, instead of the usual blue. Teddy was sure that it was just some kind of growth thing, like when he'd had trouble sticking to one shape a few months back, but Billy wasn't so sure.

Things came to a head one Thursday afternoon after a particularly unpleasant day at school. They'd had a pop quiz in calculus that Billy hadn't felt at all prepared for, and the paper he'd turned in wasn't one of his best, and _then_ he'd gotten a call from Eli to “suit up.” The enemy that day turned out to be Kang the Conqueror, so some adult heroes had showed up soon enough, but it had been awkward anyway, because, well...Nathaniel. He'd been their _friend._

Once Kang was in custody and everyone was on their way back to the Mansion to get changed, Eli had started yelling at him for letting sympathy get in the way of heroism and not backing them up properly or something. That had gotten Teddy to step in, and somehow it turned into an argument between Billy and Teddy, first about listening to Eli when he was clearly being an asshole and then about all kinds of other things, most of which weren't really relevant or even necessary to bring up. They'd kept shouting well into their arrival at the mansion, and everyone else had moved off to let them have some space, and then Billy had said something that he didn't quite remember even seconds after he'd said it and he'd stormed out.

He'd _intended_ to fly home. He'd even lifted himself in the air, but it was so hard to _concentrate._ He was so angry that all he could think of was that he wanted to be somewhere else. The air around him filling with crackling red light, and he teleported.

It took a moment for him to figure out what had happened. At first all he could think about was that it was very dark, and that it shouldn't have been dark at all because it was only six-thirty. As his eyes adjusted, he realized that he was also outside, standing on grass instead of city street, and that it wasn't just dark, it was _nighttime._ How had he lost so much time?

Then he looked up and saw the outline of a massive stone gateway in front of the moon.

Shaking, he dug his cell-phone out of his pocket and turned on the display. _6:37._ But that was clearly wrong, it wasn't half-past six here. What had he _done?_ How had he gotten _here?_ What was _wrong_ with his magic?

His cell phone also had no signal, and he clearly needed someone to come pick him up, because after this he couldn't teleport again. His head spun as he forced out an in-case-of-emergencies spell that Dr. Strange had taught him and then pulled up his contacts list.

The phone rang three times before someone picked up, and there was another moment of muffled fumbling before the person on the other end of the line spoke. “Oof...hey, kiddo.” Simon sounded groggy. “What's up?”

“Uh, hi, Simon. I'm really sorry, I know it's late, but can I stay at your place tonight?”

He heard a faint 'hmm' noise. “Sure, kiddo. Did you have an argument with your folks? Hold on a second and I'll flash you the apartment keys.”

Billy took a deep breath. “I'm...not in New York.”

There was a long pause. “...kiddo, what are you doing in England?”

“I don't know!” Having been asked, it all seemed so much more terrifying, and the only reason Billy wasn't crying was due to sheer force of will. “My magic's gone crazy and I had a fight with Teddy and I _might_ have broken up with him and now I'm in England and I don't know why!”

“Hey, hey, calm down.” Simon sounded concerned, and his voice had lost its usual joking tone. “Deep slow breaths. Ok? Breathe in, breathe out. ...now, where exactly are you?”

Billy looked up at the shadow across the moon again. “Stonehenge. And the _only_ other person I know in England is Pete Wisdom and I don't have his phone number.” The world yawed crazily around him. His stomach churned. “And I think I'm going to throw up.”

“Yeah, long-distance teleporting can do that if you're not used to it. Just sit tight, kiddo.” Over the phone he could hear the sound of Simon moving around, and for a moment someone else's faint voice. “I'll come get you and we'll figure out what's up with your magic after you've gotten some rest. Don't move, ok?”

The phone call ended, the display flickered and died as the battery ran out and Billy managed to get his cell back in his pocket only seconds before he lost his lunch violently on the base of a prehistoric megalith. As he kneeled on the ground, retching dizzily, he heard a quiet 'whoosh,' and then someone was rubbing his back. Simon's soft voice behind his head said, “Hey, hey. Get it all out, kiddo. We'll go once you can stand up.”

It took a few more dry heaves before he could do anything of the sort, but then Simon helped him up and wrapped a reassuring arm around his shoulders. He swayed on his feet. “Are we going now?”

“Yep. Just don't tense up and we'll be there in a tick.”

There was another whoosh and a gentle rushing sensation almost entirely unlike Billy's own teleportation, and then instead of grass they were standing on a hooked rug in a dimly lit hallway. It was warm and very quiet, and Billy yawned in spite of himself. “Oh...why am I so tired all of a sudden? It's, it's only seven in New York.”

“Kiddo, you just teleported yourself across the Atlantic Ocean, and from the look of it you were in a fight before that.” Simon steered him gently toward the bathroom. “Honestly I'm amazed that you can stand at all. The first time I teleported _anywhere_ I collapsed completely. Go brush your teeth and I'll get one of the spare rooms ready.”

When he'd gotten his teeth clean he stumbled back into the hallway and almost fell over, but Simon was there to catch him and help him over to a nearby room. There were several full bookshelves, and a desk with a chair, and a nightstand with a lamp on it, and a wardrobe that looked like it should lead to Narnia, and an enormously inviting bed with a set of folded pajamas at the foot. The center of the bed had been colonized by a very large calico cat, who stared at him with what looked like disdain.

Simon flapped a hand at the cat. “Budge up, Prometheus.” The cat gave him an affronted look and did not move. “The pjs are for you, kiddo; they should fit ok. You get some sleep, all right? And we'll take a look at your magic in the morning.”

He backed out of the room and shut the door, leaving Billy alone with the pajamas and the cat. Billy changed in a daze and barely managed to get under the covers before he fell asleep.

\--

When he woke up the next morning it took him a few minutes to figure out where he was. He didn't recognize the room, or for that matter his pajamas, and an unfamiliar cat was curled up on his feet, purring loudly. The cat made a little snorting noise when he moved and then stood and walked up the bed until its head bumped into his hand. He provided the requested ear scratching with some puzzlement. It wasn't until he looked over and saw his costume draped over the desk chair that he remembered where he was, and that sort of made things weirder, because that meant that this was Discord's house. And these were probably some of his pajamas.

He got out of bed, much to the irritation of the cat, and put his costume back on because it was the only thing he really had to wear and he didn't want to be rude by showing up to breakfast in his nightclothes after everything else Simon was doing for him. A quick brush of the teeth, and then he followed the cat and the scent of cooking food downstairs.

At the door to the dining room he froze. Someone was already there, and it wasn't Simon. The someone was tall and pale and dark-haired, and was reading what looked like a newspaper on a tablet. The someone was entirely naked, definitely male, and drinking directly from a full coffeepot.

The someone was also Loki. The supervillain. The murderous psychopath. Naked and drinking coffee.

Simon was Loki's lover. And they lived together. Billy hadn't really considered that when he'd made his panicked phone call.

Billy was in Loki's dining room.

He must have made some kind of noise, because Loki looked up from the tablet and directly at him. One eyebrow shot up.

_Oh god. So this is how I die._

“Um...uh...”

After a contemplative moment Loki turned in his chair and spoke loudly in the direction of the open kitchen door, from which Billy could hear the clicking of a knife on a cutting board. “Bobby, my most beloved priest, why is there an Avenger in the dining room?”

“Oh, right.” There was a clatter, and then Simon stuck his head in and waved to Billy. “Fetter your divine radiance for a bit, will you? We have company. Morning, kiddo.”

Loki's other eyebrow rose, and then he made a lazy gesture and was abruptly wearing a dark green brocade dressing gown. “You brought home a superhero?”

“He's a friend of mine.” Simon gestured to the table. “Sit down, kiddo, I promise he won't bite you.”

Billy moved into the room and sat down at a spot with a setting, nervously aware of Loki watching his every move. He tried to breathe. “Um. Hi.”

Loki leaned forward to peer at him and then slouched back in his chair and took a swig of coffee. “He looks like Thor, but smaller.” Another second of peering. “And Jewish. A small, Jewish Thor.”

Simon smiled apologetically at Billy. “Ignore him. He's always like this before his third helping of breakfast.”

“I haven't even gotten a first one yet.” Billy might have laughed at Loki's plaintive tone if he hadn't been convinced that he was counting down to the last second of his life.

“Oh, chill out. You _know_ how hard it is to juggle that pan, and I needed an extra half-carton of eggs to make enough omelet for Billy to eat too. Speaking of which, Billy, this is Loki, you probably recognize him.”

“Um...from mugshots?” Billy tried a smile, although he was pretty sure he didn't manage a good one. “Yes? It's, um, it's very nice to meet you.”

“Loki, this is Billy Kaplan. He's one of the Young Avengers. He started out as Asgardian, you remember. You liked him.”

Loki nodded. “I do remember, yes. It's always good to see someone wielding any kind of halfway decent magical ability. Well, I don't normally hold with letting superheroes into the house, but I try to tolerate Bobby's friends or else he starts sulking. It's good to finally meet you, Billy Kaplan. Under minimally violent circumstances.” He went back to reading on his tablet.

Billy wasn't really sure what to say to that, so he didn't say anything. Simon ducked back into the kitchen, and the dining room was silent for a few minutes except for the sounds of cooking. Finally, when it felt like he was going to die from the awkwardness, Loki looked up over the tablet at him again. “Are you actually capable of sustained speech? You seem unusually quiet for a teenager. Also, I thought you lived in New York. Why are you in England?”

“I. Uh. I, um, I—”

“Oh, for—by the Norns, boy, I'm not going to turn you into a toad just for speaking to me. Have some coffee—” a coffee mug appeared on the table, and he filled it from his coffeepot and pushed it over to Billy, “and answer the question.”

Billy didn't actually drink coffee, but it seemed rude to refuse, so he took a long sip and was surprised to find it sweeter than he'd expected—there was apparently honey in it. “I...had an accident. With my magic. I was trying to get _home_ , but I was really upset and my magic's been going wrong a lot lately so I ended up at Stonehenge instead. I don't know why.”

“Hm. That would explain where Bobby ran off to last night.”

At that moment Simon came in carrying three plates of breakfast—or rather, carrying one while the other two floated around his head like delicious-smelling satellites. One of the floating plates landed on the table in front of Billy, the other in front of Loki, and Simon sat down with the third. Then he snapped his fingers and summoned another coffee mug, which he filled from Loki's pot. “Eat up, kiddo. Get your strength up. Your little slip-up last night probably drained you.”

Billy stared down at his plate. Simon had given him three slices of French toast and a pile of bacon, as well as a massive portion of omelet with— “What's in this omelet?”

“Oh, um, shrimp, chicken, rattlesnake, mushrooms, spinach. Really, really sharp cheddar cheese. Try some, you'll love it. Good for your health.”

Loki had already set to with some gusto, and after another nervous moment Billy took a forkload of eggs and what he thought was the rattlesnake and popped it into his mouth.

It was _delicious._

And he was suddenly _starving._

It barely took him ten minutes to finish his entire plate of food, and when he looked up he saw that Loki and Simon were watching him. Loki, whose plate was also empty, had a faintly indulgent smile on his face. “It's good to finally see someone else with a proper appetite.”

“Don't make fun of him, love. He's sixteen, all sixteen-year-olds eat like that.”

“I wasn't making fun of him. I approve.”

“Well, good. You want seconds, kiddo?”

Billy nodded enthusiastically, washing down his last mouthful of eggs with a sip of honey-sweetened coffee. “Yes, please.”

Once he'd plowed through another helping of omelet and bacon, he stood, feeling with some anxiety that he should be doing more to be a good guest, and gathered everyone's dirty utensils and empty plates to take into the kitchen. Simon beamed and thanked him, and he carried the stack of dishes in and looked around for the dishwasher.

Behind him in the dining room he heard Simon say, quietly, “You're annoyed with me. I can feel it. Why are you annoyed with me?”

“I'm not annoyed with you.”

“Liar. What is it?”

“You know, if you really want to mother something, I'll get you a puppy.”

“Are you irritated because I startled you? You _like_ being startled.”

A pause, and then, plaintively, “You haven't surprised me at _all_ lately.”

“...oh, babe, have I been neglecting you? I know I've been busy lately, what with the exams coming up and all that business in the Church with those hacker kids, and then there was that thing with the elves and the lutefisk...that's it. I haven't been paying enough attention to you lately.”

“Maybe.”

A laugh. “Oh, you're making the _face._ ”

“What face? I don't make faces.”

“You do so, you're making an 'I'm feeling unloved' face right now. That's _definitely_ it.”

Billy finally shook himself, located the dishwasher, and began loading it, hoping that they hadn't figured out he was listening in.

“Loki? Babe? Oh wonderful divine extremely ticklish one? Hey, come on, don't just ignore me...look, Billy's here right now, and I can't just kick him out, he's such a sweet kid. But once we've got his magic issue straightened out and sent him home I promise I'll take a vacation and we can do something fun, just the two of us.” Another pause, and then for a moment Simon's voice dropped to an inaudible murmur.

“...hmph. That _might_ be acceptable.” Loki sounded amused.

“Aha, I knew it, you're smiling now. I saw your mouth twitch.”

“And anyway your young friend doesn't seem to be dismally stupid. I suppose I can tolerate him for a day or two.”

“You're so cute when you're high maintenance.”

“Untrue. I'm a god. I am a being of unearthly perfection and devastating sex appeal. Not cute.”

“You're _also_ cute.”

Billy tried to make a point of walking loudly when he came back into the dining room, so that he didn't interrupt them in the middle of anything. Their fleeting argument had reminded him unnervingly of his parents, and he wasn't sure he could handle it if he saw them kissing or something. He still wasn't sure he was ok with eating breakfast with a major supervillain. But no, Loki was back to reading the news and drinking his coffee—which seemed to be continuously refilling itself—and Simon had gotten a loop of yarn from somewhere and was playing cat's cradle. As Billy sat back down Simon tugged the string in his hands, and the knots resolved into a shape that looked like a broom. “So. Kiddo. Walk us through what's been going on with your magic.”

“Well, um...” Billy took a sip of coffee. “Lately when I cast spells I've been getting unexpected side effects, and sometimes I do things without meaning to. And my sparkles have been red instead of blue. Does that sound like anything you've heard of?”

Simon glanced over at Loki, who spoke without looking up from his tablet. “Explain the sparkles.”

“Well, they show up whenever I do anything. I don't know why, I figured it was just what my magic looked like.” He bit his lip. “I mean, does _your_ magic ever do that, Simon? Just...change all of a sudden?”

“Well, no, but then mine isn't like yours.” Simon undid his knotwork and started a new pattern. “As far as I can tell, you generate your own magic power. I don't.”

 _That_ was something Billy hadn't even considered. He frowned slightly. “You don't? I thought all magic was internal. Where does yours come from?”

“From Loki, of course.”

“Oh. Right.” It should have been obvious, but now he was really curious. “But how, I mean? Does he have to do something to give you magic, or do you tap it from him, or what?”

Surprisingly, Simon turned slightly pink and started focussing intensely on his string game. “I, uh, ingest it.”

“Wait, what? You _eat_ it? How does that work?”

Simon turned pinker and didn't answer, but Loki took a long pull from his coffeepot and said, not looking up from his tablet, “He swallows. Don't kick me in the ankle, Bobby, there are worse things I could be telling him.”

Billy could feel his ears going hot. “Oh.”

 _“Anyway.”_ Simon coughed. “ _Your_ magic. Loki? Thoughts?”

“It sounds like a perfectly straightforward problem to me.” Loki looked up at Billy over the edge of his tablet. “What is your magical background, Billy? Who is your teacher?”

“I, uh...”

“Because whoever it is hasn't been nearly strict enough with your meditation regimen.”

“I don't have one.”

“...pardon me? You don't have a teacher, or you don't have a meditation regimen?”

“Either? I don't really know how to meditate. Iron Fist tried to teach us once, but I kept getting distracted.”

There was a long pause, and Billy could see Loki's eyes narrow and his grip on his tablet tighten. “Then _where,_ pray tell, did you learn to you use your magic?”

“I taught myself. From, um. A self-help book.”

The room was dead silent as Loki set aside his tablet with exaggerated delicacy and turned to look at Simon. “You mean to tell me, beloved, that you've brought an adolescent magician with absolutely no training into the house? Are you trying to get us all killed?”

Simon blinked. “I didn't know he hadn't been trained. He never mentioned.”

“I—”

“The next time I see one of the Avengers we're going to have a long talk about their _appalling_ inattention to basic magical safety precautions. I can't take over the world if it's a smoking wreck of mystical fallout.” Loki looked furious, and it was all Billy could do not to hide under the table. He started to push his chair back, hoping to make a quiet exit before he got reduced to a red stain on the hardwood floor, but froze when Loki turned back to him. “ _You,_ young wizard—”

“Hey.” Simon laid a hand on Loki's arm. “Don't yell at him, Loki. It's not his fault.”

Another tense silence, and then Loki visibly relaxed, sighing, and buried his face in his hands. “I suppose it _would_ be too much to ask that my great foes not be idiots of the first order. I'm going to go fishing; I'll be back by the time you've finished classes for the day. Don't let him do any magic. If you _do_ try to do any magic, young man,” and the full weight of his attention was suddenly back on Billy, “I promise you that I will _know,_ and I will have no qualms about turning you into a frog. You'd be much less of a danger that way anyway. Stay out of trouble, and we will have your first lesson in proper meditation after dinner tonight.”

Then he vanished, leaving his tablet and coffeepot behind.

Simon sighed. “He's such a drama queen, sometimes I don't know how I cope. Are you ok, kiddo?”

Billy nodded, still frozen to his seat. “Um...what am I going to do until this evening?”

“Oh, right. How about we call this an early college visit? You can come sit in on my classes, I've only got the two today. You might even have fun—I'm teaching a seminar course in historical methods of divination this semester.”

“That...that sounds nice.” He looked down at his clothes. “I don't really have anything to wear besides my costume, though.”

“Not a problem. Some of my old things should fit you, as long as you don't mind them being twelve years and a dimension out of date.”

“Um, ok, thanks. Wait. A dimension?”

“Crap. Not supposed to talk about that. Forget I said anything, all right, kiddo? Let's go find you something to wear.”

\--

Sitting in on classes at Oxford turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable, and Simon's students and fellow professors were so nice to Billy that he was almost relaxed by the time he and Simon got back to the house. Loki was already home, as he'd said he'd be, and greeted them pleasantly enough before disappearing into the kitchen to cook what turned out to be steaks cut from the biggest single tuna Billy had ever seen in his life. He wasn't sure how he felt about eating dinner cooked by a megalomaniacal Norse god, but it turned out to be very tasty, and the dinner conversation was mostly about the incomprehensible political machinations of aliens Billy had never heard of. At least, to his relief, it didn't verge into any _really_ terrifying topics, like what the Avengers were up to, Loki's next evil plot, or _anything_ about sex.

It was only after dinner that things got weird again. Billy had hoped to make a quiet getaway with one of Simon's books about divination, but when he got to the foot of the stairs he found them blocked by an invisible barrier. Or rather, he ran _into_ the invisible barrier, fell on his ass, and found when he'd managed to scramble to his feet that Loki was watching him from the doorway to the living room. “You're smiling at me. Why are you smiling? Please don't turn me into a frog.”

“You know, I think adolescent behavior may have been ordained by gods higher than me. It certainly never seems to change.”

“What?”

“He's saying you remind him of when he was a kid.” Simon patted Billy reassuringly on the shoulder as he headed into the living room. “Don't worry, he's not going to turn you into a frog. Or, well, he might, but if he does I'll make sure he turns you back.”

Billy wasn't sure that he found that at all reassuring.

“Come along, Billy Kaplan. I am going to teach you how to meditate before you lose control over your magic and level a small city.”

Clearly he wasn't going to get out of this, so Billy followed Loki into the living room and saw that Simon actually wasn't there—another door at the other end of the room hung open, and through the doorway he could see a room hung with paint-splattered drop cloths and littered with art supplies. He frowned. “...why would you want to teach me? You hate superheroes.”

“A sorceror not in control of his abilities is a danger to everyone around him, friend or foe alike, and one with your level of potential is extraordinarily rare.” Loki sat down on the floor with his back against an armchair. “Like...oh, that movie, beloved, the one that I liked, with the little schemer and the swordfights.”

Simon's voice from the studio said, “ _Princess Bride._ ”

“That one, yes. A paraphrase: I would sooner cut down the World Tree itself than kill a creature of such astounding potential. You have a rare and precious gift, and letting it go to waste would be a crime too low even for me.”

Billy blinked, puzzled. “Um...thanks?”

Loki rolled his eyes. “It wasn't a compliment, you young hazard, it was a statement of fact. Now sit.” He gestured to another spot on the floor.

Billy moved over to where Loki had indicated and then paused. “Wait, _you_ watched _The Princess Bride?_ And you _liked_ it?”

“I distinctly recall telling you to sit.”

“And didn't you _try_ to cut down the World—”

“ _Sit_ or I will _glue_ you to the floor.”

“Ok! Sitting now!” He dropped to the carpet.

“Good. Sit up straight.” Billy shifted, and Loki shook his head disapprovingly. “ _No,_ not at attention, just straight. As if a string were pulling you upward by the top of your head. If you're sitting properly the energy will flow better. Do what I'm doing.”

Billy squinted at the supervillain sitting across the floor from him and did his best to imitate Loki's posture. “Like this?”

Loki inspected him for a moment and then nodded. “Good. Not perfect, but good. Now, given your offensive lack of training, we will be starting with the most basic forms of meditation. Eyes shut.”

He shut both eyes, and then, in a moment of panic, opened them again. “You're not going to do something to me?”

“This is a _lesson,_ boy. I am _teaching_ you something. If I wanted you dead I would have killed you as soon as you set foot in the dining room this morning. Eyes shut.”

“O-ok.” He shut his eyes and tried to relax.

“We will start with the nine-fold breath. Breathe deeply and slowly—in through your nose, hold, and out through your mouth, with a count of nine for each. Pay attention to nothing but your breathing and my voice...”

\--

Billy fell asleep that night feeling oddly calm—much calmer, in fact, than he'd felt in months—and had a lot of what seemed to be fairly obtuse dreams about climbing trees and finding people that he knew or admired sitting on various branches, saying cryptic things. Over the tree loomed the specter of Loki, wearing his battle armor but talking like Billy's least favorite science teacher. Then he ran into Teddy, who told him about the really awesome theme park that Eli was going to be founding with Captain America, and they got ice cream with the X-Men in the middle of the apocalypse. It wasn't the most _exciting_ dream he'd ever had about Teddy, but it was pretty nice.

“Wake up.”

That didn't sound like Teddy, and he said so.

“Wake up, I said.”

That _definitely_ wasn't Teddy. Someone was shaking his shoulder.

He opened his eyes, saw who was shaking him awake, and made an undignified noise. Loki scowled at him. “Billy Kaplan, if you are not awake, dressed, and in the living room prepared for another meditation lesson within five minutes then I will _certainly_ turn you into a frog.” He turned and stalked out of the room.

Hurriedly Billy rolled out of bed, glanced at the clock on the wall—six-thirty in the morning—and pulled on his costume, which had somehow been cleaned in the night and left on the desk chair. It felt...different...somehow, but he didn't think on it too much, because he _really_ didn't want to be turned into a frog.

When he got downstairs Loki was already seated in the same spot on the living room floor, hands resting lightly on his knees, eyes shut. He didn't look up. “Sit down and begin concentrating on your breathing.”

Billy sat and shut his eyes. A thought occurred to him. “Doesn't Simon meditate? Shouldn't he be practicing with us?”

“He does, and no.”

“Why not?”

“He uses a different form of meditation. Two different forms, actually, and I am not qualified to teach either one. I had to call in a favor to get him an instructor in the more potent one.”

“Oh.”

They had been meditating for probably an hour and a half when the silence was broken by a shout of startled laughter. Billy opened his eyes to see Simon standing in the living room doorway, laughing so hard that he was crying. “Oh...oh, Loki, you put him in your old clothes?”

“Wait, what?”

Loki opened one eye. “I did. What of it?”

Confused, Billy looked down at his costume and realized suddenly that it had felt different when he put it on because it actually _was_ different. It was still mostly black, but now the primary other color was green instead of red, and there were more gold accents. The fabric was heavier, sturdier—it felt a little more like armor. At least his headband hadn't been tampered with. “Ok, what happened to my costume?”

“It was dangerously flimsy and not suitable for combat. A sorceror is not someone intended for the front lines, but as that's where you insist on being, I thought it meet to provide you with something that might actually prevent physical damage. I prefer not to let my students die before I've finished teaching them.”

“It's a lot more...leather and metal than I'm used to. Wait, student? I'm your student? When did that happen? Have you had many others?”

“A few.”

“There is nothing about the past two days that hasn't been confusing.”

He was about to ask more questions, but as he was opening his mouth to speak he was interrupted by the sound of “Roxanne” coming from the pocket of Simon's pants. Simon stifled another laugh and dug out his phone. “Why hello, Mr. Wisdom. To what do I owe the pleasure? … why _no,_ I'm _not_ a woman today, and neither is Loki. ...yes, I do know where he is, he's right here.” He looked up and nodded to Billy.

Billy blinked. “Me? ...is that Pete Wisdom? Oh my god, is Captain Britain with him? He's so cool, I've always wanted to meet him.”

“No, I haven't kidnapped him, he had a little mishap and needed a place to stay. ...shit, sorry, I should've made him call his mother or something. ...he's _fine._ Ferocious appetite, of course, you know what long-distance teleporting does—oh, no, you don't, do you? Sorry. My bad. ...of course I can. As soon as he's had breakfast. Bring the good Captain with you, too, Billy's a fan.”

“Oh my god I get to meet Captain Britain!”

“Seriously, a huge fan, it's adorable. ...see you there. Bye, Pete.”

Simon put away his phone, and Loki shook his head. “I will never understand what you see in that arrogant mutant skirt-chaser.”

“Well, he _is_ good-looking. Oh, stop making that face, I don't like him nearly as much as I like you. All right, kiddo, it looks like you're going home today, your parents are worried sick. _And_ your boyfriend; Pete says Capsicle had to bring him home personally after he tried to steal a Quinjet to come find you.”

It was awful that Teddy had been worried, really it was, but Billy couldn't help but feel a little better about the fact that they hadn't actually broken up.

“Anyway, breakfast, and then you get to meet Captain Britain.”

\--

Billy was jittering as the Quinjet approached New York City. He had three different books that Loki had lent to him—or rather, had handed him and ordered him to have read within the month—and Captain Britain's autograph, which was probably the coolest thing ever. Captain America sat across from him, looking worried. “Billy, are you sure you're all right?”

“I'm fine. Really I'm fine.” Truth be told, he was mainly worried about facing Teddy and the others—Eli had been a jerk first, but he was the one who'd really lost it. And then there was Loki's worrying ultimatum as he'd left the house.

_“I expect you to practice your meditation twice daily, in the morning after waking and in the evening before you sleep. I will be monitoring your progress. When you have gained sufficient mental control we will have more lessons.”_

“Well, I'm just glad you're safe. I should warn you before we get out, though, you're going to get to meet Thor. He came as soon as he heard that Loki was suspected in a disappearance.”

“Wait, really? I get to meet Thor?”

“Just be prepared. He's very enthusiastic.”

 _Enthusiastic_ wasn't quite the word Billy would have used. They were greeted on the landing pad at the Mansion by a six-foot-four blond man in heavy armor, whose primary form of salutation, at least when it came to Captain America, consisted of a hug at high speed and then a lot of extremely violent but apparently good-natured roughhousing. Black Widow stood next to Billy and watched the festival of headlocks and in-jokes impassively. “Don't worry. They're always like this.”

Then, abruptly, Billy found himself being picked up so that he could look a grinning Norse god in the eye. “You are Billy Kaplan! I've heard much about you. I hear you have survived an encounter with my brother!”

“I, uh, didn't so much survive as I stayed overnight at his house. Are, are you Thor? I'm a big fan of yours.”

“That is much appreciated, Billy Kaplan!” Thor set him down, and then looked at him more closely and let out a barking laugh. “You are wearing some of his clothes from when we were young. I have not seen that outfit in centuries.”

“He stole my costume. It was dirty. Also he sort of yelled at me a lot.”

“He yells at everyone a lot. It's his nature. Did he give you those books?”

“Yes. I have to read them all by the end of the month. And he taught me how to meditate. Mostly by yelling at me.”

Thor didn't say anything in response for a moment, choosing instead to peer closely at Billy as if trying to see something that Billy was hiding. Then he said, “You must have made a good impression on him. My brother's students are even rarer than his lovers.”

“He said I was a hazard to everyone around me and threatened to turn me into a frog.”

“That means he is fond of you.”

“Really? Mostly he seemed annoyed.”

“He gave you books. He gave up on trying to give me things to read long before he went mad.”

Captain America suggested gently that they move inside, which seemed like a good idea, and as soon as they were through the door it was all about Teddy, who ran into Billy full-speed and hugged him so hard that he was lifted up off the ground again. “Oh my god, Billy, you moron, you were _missing._ I thought you'd gotten _killed._ Why didn't you call me?”

“My phone died.” Billy laughed, relieved, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend who had _not_ broken up with him.

“Why were you in _England?_ ”

“Just a mix-up. It's not going to happen again.”

Teddy pulled back and met his eyes. “You promise? No more disappearing on me?”

“I promise.”

\--

Billy's parents almost grounded him when he got home, but they too were so relieved that he was safe and hadn't blown himself up or anything that in the end it turned into a mess of hugging and crying, followed by strict orders that he head up to his room and get his homework done. He didn't tell them that a supervillain had decided, apparently apropos of nothing, to teach him magic, because it would have been _way_ too hard to explain. The books he'd been given got explained away as things he was borrowing from a friend.

He _did_ meditate that evening before he went to bed, and got started on one of the books Loki had given him, a weighty tome about trance states and astral projection. He wasn't quite sure what Loki had meant by “monitoring his progress,” and if there was a supervillain watching him (which wasn't terrifying or anything) then he needed to watch his step.

The meditation regimen became easier and easier as the days wore on, and Billy found that his magical control was actually improving. The few times in the next couple of weeks that he was called upon to act as Wiccan (including one incident when he helped with clean-up as Iron Man angrily tried to change the sign on the top of Stark Tower so that it no longer said “LOKI”) his spells went off without unexpected side effects. There weren't any sparkles, either, which was a little disappointing, but at least apart from that everything was happening the way he wanted it to.

A month after his accidental trip to England, he fell asleep after meditating and dreamed that he was standing on a flat plain underneath an enormous tree. Loki was leaning against the trunk of the tree reading a book. Billy stared at him, confused. _“What are you doing in my dream?”_

_“I'm checking on your progress, you absurd boy. Have you finished the books I gave you?”_

_“Um...yes.”_

_“Good.”_ Loki looked him over critically. _“You seem to be a reasonably fast learner; you've already managed to get to where I was when I was half your age, relatively speaking.”_

Billy wasn't sure whether he should feel insulted or pleased. _“Thanks?”_

_“I'm not going to kill you if you smile. It's hardly your fault that nobody on this forsaken plane knows what to do with a budding magical talent. On Asgard you would have been tested for magical skill yearly and assigned an instructor as soon as you showed any signs of talent. As it is I'm going to have to do it myself.”_

_“Wait, but why you? Why not a hero? There are heroes who use magic, I could ask Scarlet Witch—”_

_“I wouldn't trust that woman with a hamster, let alone a student. Her control is even shakier than yours.”_

_“Hey, be nice, she might be my mom. Brother Voodoo?”_

_“His powers derive from an entirely different source, have you never even spoken with him about it? He could not instruct you.”_

_“Dr. Strange—”_

_“Is a pompous charlatan who would overload you with unnecessary theatricality. Magic is an art, boy, but not one of performance. It requires precision. Also, Strange is an idiot. Besides, your power is too great; you require a_ competent _education. It hardly pleases me, but your instruction is_ my _responsibility. Catch.”_ He threw the book that he'd been reading to Billy, who caught it, startled. _“Read the first chapter, including the marginal notes, and do the visualization exercises given at least once daily. I will be back to check on you next week, and will arrange for you to return to the house for more instruction in person.”_

Billy woke with a start and found that he had a book in his hands, one that he didn't recognize. Unlike the others he'd brought back from England, this one was quite old and battered, and the title was in runes that he found, unexpectedly, he could read. _The Currents Of Life: Nine Lessons In Basic Magical Practice_ He flipped the book open, and found that there was an inscription on the inside cover, also in runes: _“This text is the property of Loki Odinson, Prince of Asgard. Thor, if you rip the pages I will shave your head while you sleep.”_ Had...had Loki given him one of his _own_ textbooks? And what had he meant by “arranging for in-person instruction?”

He found out the next day when he arrived home from school and found an internationally wanted super-criminal sitting in his living room, drinking coffee with his mother. Simon waved as he walked in. “Heya, kiddo. Long time no see.”

Billy was about to go for his cell phone when his mother turned on the sofa and smiled warmly at him. “Billy! I'm so proud of you!”

“You—what?”

“I didn't know you were applying to summer programs at Oxford! Your father's going to be so happy when I tell him. Professor Clark was in the area to give a lecture and said he wanted to bring your acceptance letter by personally.”

“I did? He did? Oh, right, Oxford, yes.” What was going on here?

“He tells me your application made a wonderful impression on the admissions committee for the youth summer study program.”

Simon winked at him. “We're looking forward to seeing you at Oxford, Mr. Kaplan.”

\--

 **To:** Billy Kaplan

 **From:** Teddy Altman

 **Subject:** Hi!

Hey, babe, how are you liking Oxford? I miss you, it totally sucks here and without you around I think I might go crazy and throw Eli through a window. I think he's gotten more irritable, if that's even possible. Plus, seriously, nothing to do here. I'm dying.

Have you heard about this Warlock guy? The one who's been lurking around all those fights? They think he might be based in England—have you run into him at all?

Please e-mail me soon. I'm worried about you. I know you said you were going to be fine, but I'm still not sure how cool I am with you getting magic lessons from a supervillain.

Love you,

Teddy

 **To:** Teddy Altman

 **From:** Billy Kaplan

 **Subject:** Re: Hi!

OMG I turned into a bird today. It was AWESOME. It was like _The Sword In The Stone_ except that I don't think Merlin was *that* annoyed all the time. Have I told you that Loki is always annoyed? At least he's stopped the frog thing. Also, hi, it's nice here, I really miss you and if I was there I think I would hug you so hard you'd have to shapeshift to keep breathing. Tell Eli I said calm down a bit.

Also, I MET CAPTAIN BRITAIN AGAIN. My life is AMAZING. The only way it would be more amazing is if you were here.

I love you.

\--Billy

 **To:** Billy Kaplan

 **From:** Teddy Altman

 **Subject:** Re: Hi!

Hey! You're horning in on my action! *I'm* supposed to be the shapeshifter. :) Also I feel like I should be jealous of Captain Britain now. Although from what I've heard it should really be Pete Wisdom I'm worried about.

Seriously, though, this Warlock guy. You heard anything I haven't?

 **To:** Teddy Altman

 **From:** Billy Kaplan

 **Subject:** Re: Hi!

It's me. I'm Warlock. Please don't tell Eli or Captain America. Loki says I have to see practical demonstrations of properly controlled magical use, and when I tried to argue with him he just started talking about how when he was a kid students who argued with their instructors got hung from the battlements by their ankles, and then about how there's a castle near here that I should visit, it's a big tourist attraction. So I didn't argue with him. I don't *do* anything, though, I just watch. Also don't be jealous of Captain Britain, you know you're the only guy for me. And Pete Wisdom is only interested in women, although apparently Loki can turn *into* a woman (and he can turn other guys into women—apparently he did it to Discord once), so that conversation got a little weird.

**\--Welcome back to MetaChat, Billy!--**

**You have (1) chat request from [Teddy].**

**Accept request? Y/N: Y**

**Billy:** OMG I am scarred for LIFE  
 **Teddy:** what? what is it?  
 **Teddy:** what happened?  
 **Teddy:** r u hurt i swear ill kill them if they hurt you  
 **Billy:** no  
 **Billy:** not hurt  
 **Billy:** physically  
 **Teddy:** WHAT  
 **Billy:** i  
 **Billy:** i walked in on them  
 **Billy:** in the DINING ROOM  
 **Billy:** i will never eat again  
 **Teddy:** omg u saw villain sex?  
 **Teddy:** …  
 **Teddy:** …  
 **Teddy:** who was on top?  
 **Teddy:** was it kinky?  
 **Billy:** IT WAS IN THE DINING ROOM  
 **Billy:** and really loud they talk a lot but it wasnt all in English  
 **Billy:** also Loki was on top which is kinda obvious if u talk 2 him hes really bossy  
 **Billy:** oh god just realized thats what ive been hearing in the morning. and at night. and when Simons in his studio with the door shut.  
 **Billy:** thought it was students in next house having parties or something  
 **Billy:** scarred  
 **Billy:** for  
 **Billy:** LIFE  
 **Teddy:** ok im going to come get u  
 **Teddy:** 1st Loki yells at u all the time  
 **Teddy:** nd dragging u all over for “practical demos”  
 **Teddy:** still pretty sure he wants u 2 b a supervillain  
 **Teddy:** and now this?  
 **Teddy:** hang on going 2 go steal q-jet. think I can get away w/it this time if I can get in mansion  
 **Billy:** they do it ALL THE TIME  
 **Billy:** is that just what adults are like? do they just have sex all the time  
 **Billy:** omg will we b like that  
 **Teddy:** uh  
 **Billy:** ok now im just thinking about u naked  
 **Teddy:** thats  
 **Teddy:** im totally ok with that  
 **Billy:** I miss u  
 **Teddy:** miss u 2  
 **Teddy:** u realize weve been dating almost a year  
 **Billy:** wow yeah  
 **Billy:** and I havent actually *seen* u naked  
 **Teddy:** …  
 **Teddy:** that can change when u get back  
 **Billy:** whoa really?  
 **Teddy:** I love u  
 **Billy:** love u 2  
 **Billy:** teleporting over *right* *now*  
 **Teddy:** wait since when can u teleport that far on purpose  
 **Billy:** Loki taught me last week he made me go to India  
 **Billy:** not supposed 2 practice w/out him around  
 **Billy:** think ill chance it anyway hes not the boss of me  
 **Teddy:** thats  
 **Teddy:** that was so hot  
 **Billy:** *u* are so hot  
 **Teddy:** u should defy supervillains more often its sexy  
 **Billy:** only for u  
 **Billy:** ill defy any supervillain u like  
 **Teddy:** any supervillain?  
 **Billy:** yep even Galactus  
 **Billy:** for u I will moon Galactus  
 **Billy:** “this is a moon you cant have Galactus it belongs to Theodore Altman”  
 **Teddy:** ur such a romantic  
 **Teddy:** a sexy insane romantic who is going to get us all killed  
 **Billy:** thats it teleporting over  
 **Teddy:** really?  
 **Billy:** yep I have evil plans for you now  
 **Teddy:** ooh maybe you should be a villain that sounds exciting  
 **Teddy:** see u soon  
 **Billy:** totally  
 **Billy:** *all* of me

**[Your chat partner has disconnected]**

**Author's Note:**

> This story sprang, as most of my stories do, from a single scene--specifically, the breakfast scene. Because of course Loki just walks around naked, and why would he settle for one cup of coffee when he can have the whole pot? And the idea of him actually reading the news is hilarious.
> 
> I think my _favorite_ part to write, though, was Billy and Teddy's terribly adorkable chat at the end. They're so cute.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Kiddo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/822126) by [DangerousCommieSubversive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive)




End file.
